This morning I had an epiphany. For the longest time, I have felt delayed in EVERY area of my life. I’ve been feeling like I’m not quite where I’m supposed to be. Don’t get me wrong. I’m currently in the best season of my life thus far. I have a LOT of really great things going for me, so I have no complaints; but I’ve always felt like a should be further along than where I am. For the longest time I went through these bouts of getting angry with God. So silly right? But it’s true. I would blame God for my failures and delays. I felt that God was punishing me and hindering me from moving forward. I’m so over that nonsense. Being mad at God does absolutely NOTHING but cause even FURTHER DELAY. I’m so glad I’ve grown to the point of accepting responsibility for my decisions and actions. Yes, I have been hindered and delayed in many ways throughout my life BUT- there’s only one person to blame for that, ME.
It all began when I was about 19. Long story short, I had a terrible attitude. PLEASE TAKE MY WORD FROM EXPERIENCE, there is no BETTER way to self-sabotage than to carry a BAD ATTITUDE. If the 19-year-old me understood this, I would definitely be A LOT further along than where I am. But hey- without mistakes, how could we learn and grow, right? Anyways, by the end of my sophomore year at Frostburg State, I was pretty much bored and over college life. The parties had dried up and I was tired of being in the mountains. Unfortunately, academics were not my focus at that time. I just wanted to have fun. Whenever I talked to my friends back at home, there was always something going on. I felt like I was missing out on a lot. My attitude towards college had skewed all the way NEGATIVE. So, I made one of the DUMBEST choices I could have made and deeply regretted it shortly after- I dropped out. I moved back home just to find out I wasn’t missing anything at all. I got a job, got bills, and struggled through low-paying, dead-end jobs. SET BACK. When I did finally returned to college, my BAD ATTITUDE led to a series of EPIC FAILS- including walking out of class during an exam and trashing the exam. I was frustrated so I just stopped coming to class. I didn’t have enough since to withdraw so I earned all F’s that semester (that was really stupid). SET BACK. I’ve even walked off of jobs I didn’t like. SET BACK! Now that I have matured and gained some wisdom, I use my mistakes as steps through the valley to the mountaintop.
Another major cause of SET BACKS is DOUBT- that terrible D-word. I literally shake my head just thinking about it. There have been some things that I know I should have done YEARS ago. I’m talking about ideas, works, you name it. God doesn’t give us plans and ideas for us to just hoard them to ourselves. He put every gift, talent, idea, etc. in us for a PURPOSE. When we don’t live on purpose by doing what God called us to do , we end up super frustrated and unfulfilled. Oh that terrible self-sabotage. Through the years, I’ve had so many awesome ideas I’m sure would have opened many doors for me had I FOLLOWED THROUGH. But my logic kicked in every time (remember my blog “Faith Versus Logic”?). I allowed my logic to talk me out of doing what I should have done. I began to doubt my abilities. I doubted success and feared failure. I didn’t know where the resources would come from. I just thought of every reason NOT to do it. SET BACK.
It’s so funny because we can read all about the Israelites’ 40 year journey in the wilderness (Joshua 5:6) and think, “boy they were some simpletons!”, but we do the SAME EXACT THING, just modern day. It should have only taken the Israelites 11 days to get to the promise land but because of their disobedience and NEGATIVE ATTITUDES, they were DELAYED big time. I know there are some things in my life I should have had a long time ago but because of my bad attitude and mistakes, I’ve been delayed. I don’t even want to think about how many times I’ve wandered around the same mountain like the Israelites. Or where I would be right now if I did what I should have done 10 years ago.
I definitely went through a phase of deep remorse. All I thought about were my mistakes, wishing I could go back to redo some things. Unfortunately, we cannot turn back time. What’s done is done. All we can do is learn and keep moving. Thinking about woulda-coulda-shoulda does no good. Luckily, God extends his grace and mercy that surpasses any mistake we could ever make. One thing I learn about God daily is He gives us chance after chance. He is constantly forgiving our sins. It is because of this we are able to keep moving forward. It doesn’t matter what we did or didn’t do in the past. As long as our hearts are set on God, the light is green. He wants us to move FORWARD. In Deuteronomy 1:6, God told the Israelites they had spent enough time in the same place and to MOVE. Stagnation is NOT of God. He LOVES to see His children advance and prosper (Psalm 35:27). Looking back is just a plain no-no. Remember what happened to Lot’s wife? The Lord gave them instruction to MOVE FORWARD and not look back. Homegirl just had to look back and BAM! She turned into a pillar of salt (Genesis 19:17&26). Jesus even said whoever looks back isn’t fit for work in the Kingdom (Luke 9:62). We must move FORWARD, the light is GREEN!
I thank God for His grace and mercy. I don’t even want to know where I’d be without it. God knows we are going to mess up REAL BAD long before we even think about it. But He gives us chance after chance. As long as we have breath in our bodies, it’s NEVER too late. I may be delayed but I’m not denied. I’ve written many ideas and began many works. I’m not one to tell a lot of people what I’m doing BUT I promise the light is green and I’m GOING. The where will be revealed in due time. 🙂
This song is AMAZING and it PERFECTLY accompanies this blog entry. Forget your yesterday and your mistakes, MOVE FORWARD!